Tuesday 7 May 2013

Anxiety ruined me

Hey Chums.

This a re-type of a post ive already done (but now deleted as i thought it was to rushed and confusing) so i have decided to re-write. 
WARNING: this will be the longest post ever!!!!!!!!

So im just going to start off and be blunt. Last year fricking sucked for me!
And it was 100% my fault.

During February of 2012 i was having some stomach isues, nothing serious, but i was starting to get worried about it. Then one day when i was in town with my friends i suddenly started to feel very nervous and anxious about my stomach. Thinking i was going to start feeling ill, i got myself all worked up and stressed out. After, when everything was fine, i forgot all about the ordeal.
But then it happened again.
And again.
And again.
Etc.

After about a month of it happening, i just avoided going into town altogether. It seemed to help.
I wouldnt really think about it until someone asked me to go shopping, when i would have to make up a lame excuse and shrug off the feeling of terror i was feeling.
By two months i was really starting to limit where i would go, and my friends and family were starting to notice.
I dont remember the conversation i had with my parents, and i cant remember when i came to the realisation, but from then i knew...
I was living with anxiety.
Telling my friends that i was having panic attacks regularly was one of the hardest things to do. Obviously they didnt understand as it had all happened so quickly and they couldnt quite grasp the fact that i just found everywhere very uncomfortable and scary. I didnt know how to tell them without wanting to break down and cry.
This also put alot of pressure on my relationship with my boyfriend, as i didnt want to go out anywhere with him. (spoiler alert) We broke up later on in the year. But i am still so grateful of how much he respected me even thought i was suffering really badly.

During exam leave was when things started to get really crappy. I was so stressed with revising for school and i was terrified i was going to be ill in my exams, all i could think about was anxiety and how much i hated it. I cried almost every night trying desperately to convince myself that i would wake up with everything back to normal. It never happened.
Even when i thought back to old memories of myself out in town, at the beach or park, i would panic.

My exams were some of the most horrible experiences for me. Trapped in a room for hours, with 100 other people, complete silence and nothing to distract me.
 It was truly awful.
Thankfully i did well in my exams, but the experience of them put me off for life.

By the summer holidays i was in a deep depression. I was no longer with my boyfriend, i was already finding 5th impossible and i was stuck in my house all day, every day.
It felt like i was in prison. Every day was just as dark and miserable as the day before.
The only times i was happy was when my friends would come and visit me. We would have a water fight in the garden of have a BBQ. I dont think i ever really thanked them for doing all that for me, but i wish in some way i could repay them for the time and effort they spent on me.


They really tried so hard to get me out the house and were so patient.

By the time school was back on, i was at my worst. After being in a 6 week depression i was really hating life. (Not in a, im going to self-harm, way.)
 I was just fed up.
I had put so much pressure on my parents and had really upset them.
Witnessing your parents crying uncontrollably over something you have caused is something id wish on no one. 
But the guilt didnt help, it just made me feel even more depressed. 

Then i stopped wanting to go to school. At first my parents tried to get me to go. I would cry like a little girl, just because i was so terrified of the walk alone to school. I would physically shake so much that i would feel sick. After a couple weeks, i just refused to get up. I would go to sleep shaking, wake up shaking and only be able to relax when i knew that i didnt have to go into school that day.

I visited a psychologist twice but even found it to hard to go to his sessions without a full blown stressful panic.
Eventually, much to my joy, and my parents disappointment, i left school.
For about two months i got to sit on my ass all day and do nothing, i would make no effort to eat properly or live any sort of life. I was a hermit.

Eventually, my mum had enough and made me look for a job. At first i was still too terrified to walk anywhere that was further than the top of my street so the reality of my getting a job was slim. Fortunately there is a small hotel at the top of my road, i managed to hand a CV in there.
Would you believe it they gave me a job!!
Just after i turned 17 i started work there.
Slowly i got my confidence back, and made new friends. I started to regain control after having lost it for so long. Soon after i started i was able to see a huge improvement in my life. I was no longer depressed, and crying all the time. My parents were happier, and so was i. 

After a couple months i was able to go into town and do things like i had before.
I had my life back. 
Even thought anxiety had really weakened a lot of my relationships with people i still felt so happy and refreshed.  

Now.
Now i am back. Happy, comfortable and in control. Anxiety and panic are all in the past for me and i dont ever want it coming back. I had to make some huge sacrifices (like leaving school) to get over it, but im so glad i made those choices, other wise i dont know where that dark path would have taken me. 

Im SO sorry this is such a long post, but if you have taken the time to read it then thank you, it means alot.
I know other people out there will be suffering with anxiety and IF any of you ever feel this way then just have faith. It might take some time, you might have to make some sort of changes to your life, but i promise that it WILL get better.
 I may not be an expert on the topic, but i am a survivor.

Thank you for reading!!





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